The 'plot' - Charlie (SRK) burns to avenge his father - Manohar (Anupam Kher in an 'emotional' appearance) - who was duped by Charan Grover (Jackie Shroff) and sentenced to a very, very long time in prison for a crime he did not commit. So Charlie assembles a rag-tag team - Tammy (Boman Irani), Jack (Sonu Sood), Nandu (Abhishek), Rohan (Vivaan Shah) and the dazzling Mohini (Deepika). The master plan - steal diamonds worth Rs. 300 crores - or is it dollars - from an impregnable vault 150 feet below the famed Atlantis - yes, the one in Dubai - and in such a way that Charan and his son, Vicky are framed for the crime. Oh also, there's a 'World Dance Competition' being conducted at the Atlantis - which provides the perfect cover for the mission!
Okay, where do I start?? Hmm - Atlantis? Because we were there last year, and it was a pretty big reason for me to watch the movie? What about the Atlantis? Well, just one teeny question - WHY?? The Atlantis silhouette is the backdrop in many a scene, and there are - let me see if I can remember - 3 scenes inside? Yes, 3 scenes - one in the lobby, with a blink-and-miss shot of the signature blue sculpture, a second in one of the water suites with one wall looking over the aquarium, and the third - wait for it - in the dolphin pool!! And yes, how can I forget the aerial shots of the fireworks over the Palm islands?? So, the Atlantis must be integral to the plot, right - well, umm, no, not really - just another cheap, gimmicky, publicity stunt, that's what this magnificent hotel has been reduced to. What a shame!
Next? Obviously the plot - what an optimistic word, plot! - Charlie's grandiose plan to dance his team into the safest safe in the world. Again and again - the big million dollar - no wait, the 300 crore dollar - question, WHY?? Why are the diamonds in Dubai - no direct flights from Praetoria to Antwerp? Why the whole learning-to-dance buffoonery? Why the face-off with the Korean team? Why a vault 150 feet below the Atlantis? No, really, why a vault below the Atlantis, and why are the diamonds stashed here?? Why is it so easy to 'hackofy' the security system of the world's best security agency? Why is the password to unlock the safe so, so easy?? And don't even get me started on the 'master plan'!! The escape route - really, is that meant to be innovative?, the cover-up - the fake brick wall covering the vent, yeah, right, that's going to fool all the cops!! And this one takes the cake - the plan to take the diamonds through Customs - why, pass them off as ice in a drink - umm, no drinks are allowed through Security? Details, details!! Aarghh!! So much potential - squandered away hopelessly!!
Can't be all bad, right - what about the stellar cast, each and every one capable of carrying a bad film on their shoulders! Well, let's start with the big gun himself - King Khan, Charlie. All I have to say is - dude, let it go, a zillion abs do not a sexy body make. And the deliberately pontificating dialogue delivery - so not working!! Boman Irani - such a charming actor, limited here to a bumbling Parsee caricature. Sonu Sood - playing a deaf ex-Army bomb expert whose shirt flies off at the slightest provocation - his understated performance is probably the best thing about this film!! Abhishek - in a double role, no less, playing both Vicky Grover and his look-alike, Nandu - a street ruffian, whose 'talent' is his ability to vomit prodigiously. No, not funny. Throw-up is never funny. That leaves Vivaan - Rohan the juvenile hacker - this here is Naseeruddin Shah's son? And of course the belle, Deepika, playing Mohini, a bar dancer with - eyes rolling here - a heart of gold, who falls for - surprise, surprise - Charlie!! Cliche, much?!! Stellar cast - you bet!! And yet...
And the humor - oh the humor. Already mentioned the vomiting - never, ever funny. Grown up men dancing in tutus. Closet gay men dressed in pink boas. Bouncers with names like Pinky, Sweety, Babli. Abhishek's snake dance. Daisy Irani reminding her son, Boman, to wash his underwear. Referring to Korean dancers with different Indo-Chinese dishes. Lampooning Saroj Khan - now that was plain mean. Bad English - including misspellings and mispronunciations. All the movie references - Devdas, Chak De, Damini, all of Farah Khan and SRK's repertoire - nothing is spared. None of this, yes, none of this is funny. Not even remotely funny. Not even it's-so-ridiculous-but-still-makes-me-laugh funny. And that probably is the biggest downfall of Happy New Year. A lot of plot holes and hamming can be overlooked if a movie makes you laugh - here, what was passed off as humor was nothing but horrifying!
The irony is that I'm a huge SRK fan - and I would have gladly seized upon any shred of redemption for Happy New Year. Sadly, there is none. Even more ironical is the fact that this asinine film has broken all box-office records - which leaves the actors and director to claim that they have public acclaim - critics and reviews be damned. No contrition about unleashing this travesty on unsuspecting fans. Happy New Year, indeed!
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