Aankhen (2002)

Having suffered through a succession of increasingly idiotic Bollywood films - Happy New Year and Bang Bang being the latest, and let's not forget Dhoom 3 - all big budget, big star cast films which were a huge, huge letdown - I've almost given up on Hindi films! Time for rewind - and a film which I've felt never really received the credit it truly deserves - Aankhen - a true blue Bollywood heist film, replete with emotion, drama, humor and even an item song or two!

Vijay Rajput (Amitabh Bachchan) has obsessively dedicated his entire life to the Vilas Jefferson bank - and when he is fired for brutally assaulting another employee, he comes up with a diabolical plan to avenge himself by robbing his own bank. Rajput hires 3 henchmen to pull off the heist - the twist, the 3 hired hands - Vishwas, Arjun & Ilias (Akshay Kumar, Arjun Rampal & Paresh Rawal respectively) are all blind. Neha (Sushmita Sen), a teacher at a blind school, is coerced into training the team. And so begins a dangerous game...

As can be expected, the 3 thieves-to-be have a long way to go before they can actually go loot the bank - and while the training sessions are a little repetitive, they are also necessary - not only does this screen time emphasize the blood, sweat and tears aspect of this 'workshop', the audience also gets to see the budding camaraderie within the team and also with Neha. This is what I want to see in a heist film - the actual planning, the hows, and the whens, and the ironing out of kinks by practicing over and over again - totally not needed are slomo shots of the thief leaving the scene of crime in a blaze of glory - are you listening, SRK and Aamir?

And even after all the dry-runs, the actual robbery is nail-bitingly tense - will they pull it off, and more important, what does Rajput have in store for the trio after the robbery? And the tension doesn't end there - the story skids off in a totally different direction, hurtling along at breakneck speed, not at all what I was expecting. Doesn't take too long for things to start going downhill and Rajput soon finds himself in a precarious position - his meticulously woven web of intrigue in tatters. The ending, too, is startlingly ambiguous....please, please tell me there's going to be a sequel!

The casting is spot-on - Amitabh steals the show with his menacing Rajput, but Akshay Kumar is a close second - he has the body language of a blind person down perfectly! Paresh Rawal, as always, is in a class of his own - his wise-cracks are a much needed dose of levity in this drama! Sushmita Sen - I'm always partial to her - she comes across as so sensible and intelligent, and her tightrope act between professionalism and her grief, especially at the climax - an awesome performance! Arjun Rampal - meh! A pretty face and nothing much else - it's a good thing that all the others are so strong!!

This film is based on a popular Gujarati play - so understandably, the script is a star here. Tightly written, no loopholes, no loose ends - very coherent, very precise. I especially loved the word play on the names of the characters - Neha - eyes - what better name for a teacher of blind? Vishwas - trust - for the person who trusts the least? Arjun - the archer - for the most lousy shot? Rajput - a synonym for upright honesty - as the most crooked crook? I'm hoping this was intentional - in either case, absolutely loved it!! A world away from naming the main lead 'Charlie', so his team can later be referred to as the 'Charlie's Angels' - really, Farah Khan??!!

To wrap up - skip Happy New Year - watch Aankhen instead! Happy viewing!!

Happy New Year (2014)

The promos of 'Happy New Year' made it seem like a daring heist movie, along the lines of Ocean's Eleven - add Farah Khan's madcap zaniness, SRK's charisma and Deepika's megawatt star power - sounds like it's going to be a really happy new year, and that too, in October! So, does the film measure up? Well, here it is - no holds barred...

The 'plot' - Charlie (SRK) burns to avenge his father - Manohar (Anupam Kher in an 'emotional' appearance) - who was duped by Charan Grover (Jackie Shroff) and sentenced to a very, very long time in prison for a crime he did not commit. So Charlie assembles a rag-tag team - Tammy (Boman Irani), Jack (Sonu Sood), Nandu (Abhishek), Rohan (Vivaan Shah) and the dazzling Mohini (Deepika). The master plan - steal diamonds worth Rs. 300 crores - or is it dollars - from an impregnable vault 150 feet below the famed Atlantis - yes, the one in Dubai - and in such a way that Charan and his son, Vicky are framed for the crime. Oh also, there's a 'World Dance Competition' being conducted at the Atlantis - which provides the perfect cover for the mission!

Okay, where do I start?? Hmm - Atlantis? Because we were there last year, and it was a pretty big reason for me to watch the movie? What about the Atlantis? Well, just one teeny question - WHY?? The Atlantis silhouette is the backdrop in many a scene, and there are - let me see if I can remember - 3 scenes inside? Yes, 3 scenes - one in the lobby, with a blink-and-miss shot of the signature blue sculpture, a second in one of the water suites with one wall looking over the aquarium, and the third - wait for it - in the dolphin pool!! And yes, how can I forget the aerial shots of the fireworks over the Palm islands?? So, the Atlantis must be integral to the plot, right - well, umm, no, not really - just another cheap, gimmicky, publicity stunt, that's what this magnificent hotel has been reduced to. What a shame!

Next? Obviously the plot - what an optimistic word, plot! - Charlie's grandiose plan to dance his team into the safest safe in the world. Again and again - the big million dollar - no wait, the 300 crore dollar - question, WHY?? Why are the diamonds in Dubai - no direct flights from Praetoria to Antwerp? Why the whole learning-to-dance buffoonery? Why the face-off with the Korean team? Why a vault 150 feet below the Atlantis? No, really, why a vault below the Atlantis, and why are the diamonds stashed here?? Why is it so easy to 'hackofy' the security system of the world's best security agency? Why is the password to unlock the safe so, so easy?? And don't even get me started on the 'master plan'!! The escape route - really, is that meant to be innovative?, the cover-up - the fake brick wall covering the vent, yeah, right, that's going to fool all the cops!! And this one takes the cake - the plan to take the diamonds through Customs - why, pass them off as ice in a drink - umm, no drinks are allowed through Security? Details, details!! Aarghh!! So much potential - squandered away hopelessly!!

Can't be all bad, right - what about the stellar cast, each and every one capable of carrying a bad film on their shoulders! Well, let's start with the big gun himself - King Khan, Charlie. All I have to say is - dude, let it go, a zillion abs do not a sexy body make. And the deliberately pontificating dialogue delivery - so not working!! Boman Irani - such a charming actor, limited here to a bumbling Parsee caricature. Sonu Sood - playing a deaf ex-Army bomb expert whose shirt flies off at the slightest provocation - his understated performance is probably the best thing about this film!! Abhishek - in a double role, no less, playing both Vicky Grover and his look-alike, Nandu - a street ruffian, whose 'talent' is his ability to vomit prodigiously. No, not funny. Throw-up is never funny. That leaves Vivaan - Rohan the juvenile hacker - this here is Naseeruddin Shah's son? And of course the belle, Deepika, playing Mohini, a bar dancer with - eyes rolling here - a heart of gold, who falls for - surprise, surprise - Charlie!! Cliche, much?!! Stellar cast - you bet!! And yet...

And the humor - oh the humor. Already mentioned the vomiting - never, ever funny. Grown up men dancing in tutus. Closet gay men dressed in pink boas. Bouncers with names like Pinky, Sweety, Babli. Abhishek's snake dance. Daisy Irani reminding her son, Boman, to wash his underwear. Referring to Korean dancers with different Indo-Chinese dishes. Lampooning Saroj Khan - now that was plain mean. Bad English - including misspellings and mispronunciations. All the movie references - Devdas, Chak De, Damini, all of Farah Khan and SRK's repertoire - nothing is spared. None of this, yes, none of this is funny. Not even remotely funny. Not even it's-so-ridiculous-but-still-makes-me-laugh funny. And that probably is the biggest downfall of Happy New Year. A lot of plot holes and hamming can be overlooked if a movie makes you laugh - here, what was passed off as humor was nothing but horrifying!

The irony is that I'm a huge SRK fan - and I would have gladly seized upon any shred of redemption for Happy New Year. Sadly, there is none. Even more ironical is the fact that this asinine film has broken all box-office records - which leaves the actors and director to claim that they have public acclaim - critics and reviews be damned. No contrition about unleashing this travesty on unsuspecting fans. Happy New Year, indeed!